Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit