Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.