Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Dance like you’re not the father
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
