Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
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I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.