Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Yup.
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”