Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
You Might Also Like
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
why neck hurt
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
crochet youtube is brutal
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.