[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
A Monday every week is excessive
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning