I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*