Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

thinking about this

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.