@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

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@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

@sweetandweak

I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.

@vexroid

Found $0.83 under my pillow.

It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I’m a little worried about what I was paid for.

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@eslpaul

Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

@Chumpstring

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.