Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?