@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

- @hoopnazi

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@lucidchemistry

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

@mommajessiec

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

@MarfSalvador

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

@donjuantip

Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

@nayele18maybe

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

@NicholeGunz

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

@ItsSamG

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

@Lisabug74

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

@_Water_Baby

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!