me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Just parrot things
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product