Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
You Might Also Like
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.