Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
#FunnyLife Insects
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Meowchelangelo
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.