Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
You Might Also Like
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Cha-ching is my safe word
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
