getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
some things should go without saying
Breaking news:
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
