getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
