getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.