getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
