Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
bout dat hot dog summer
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir