Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

Coffee for people with no kids

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.