Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM