Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Oceanography is all about current events

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…