Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Ha.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.