getting seasonal up in here
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I used the label maker
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
monday
