getting seasonal up in here
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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story