Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona