[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
You Might Also Like
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.