Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Good point.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it