*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Saw this yesterday lol
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.