Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
You Might Also Like
According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.