[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
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*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Spoiler Alert: I was late
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.