[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
this is uni
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.