[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
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Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dishonest mechanic?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
is this a threat