Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

i dont have time for this

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.