Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

I hope Alan is OK

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”