Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
This is my cat’s medicine.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Growing up was a huge mistake
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left