Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

I am yelling

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.