Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Wolves should really raise more people.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

My favorite farside!!

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.