getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
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Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.