Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.