Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
