getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
What the dentist sees
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.