getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
