getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.