Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Smallpox sounds so adorable
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.