Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Husband of the year 😂
Perfect
