Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want a chair?

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

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