Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Birds & Planes.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
eating my hot dog hamburger style
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.