Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me: