Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft