Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.