Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.