Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.