[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
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