Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
You are not alone 💚
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.