Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
good morning
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.