getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Not helping
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Meanwhile in Canada…
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
when someone compliments me
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
The median voter
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.