getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
You Might Also Like
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…