Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Hey! This isn’t my car!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
