Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Life hack
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.