@roxiqt

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

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@NervousJr

People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.

@iwearaonesie

friend: Try this
me[takes drink] It’s wine
friend: Did you detect a hint of anything?
me:Alcohol
friend: But what did it taste like?
me:Wine

@3sunzzz

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

@mrjohndarby

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@OfficeofSteve

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

@TheCatWhisprer

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

@AnkCoupleTO

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

@pixelatedboat

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein