Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

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People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.


friend: Try this
me[takes drink] It’s wine
friend: Did you detect a hint of anything?
friend: But what did it taste like?


I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”


Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry


Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on


The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.


Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented


“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein