Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul