Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried