[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
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6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand