Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
long lost
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it