Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Isn’t

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it