Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
😂😂😂
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree