Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what