[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
You better watch out
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?