Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right