Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

just left a huge legacy in there

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

New nose

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?