Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

I try

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

TODAY

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?