Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
How to properly lift a body
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.