#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You Might Also Like
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
as the prophecy foretold
Lmbo
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
