Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Holy moly

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen