Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

🤣🤣🤣

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.