GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
You Might Also Like
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too