GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Actually cracking up @ this
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ